As previously posted, September through December 2013 were, to put is mildly, a bit hellish. The issue now, is that everything is great. Schedules are being followed, there is a flow to the routines, there is a layer of organization in our home. We are planning a fun vacation and I'm FREAKING OUT. Yes, having the stress of holding it all together those last 4 months and finally having it settle is like the sudden let down of adrenaline after a fight. I'm jittery, unfocused, tense, emotionally paralyzed, and physically exhausted. I'm terming this: post-traumatic anxiety. Not sure if it's a real thing, but so far it is for me. Planning our vacation should be fun! I'm terrified by the what if's. It's Vegas. There are people. There are strippers, and pick pockets, and pimps. Hoover Dam has that whole jumping from the ledge vibe and the roof top amusement parks are going to possibly lose a bolt or two and plummet 50 stories to the pavement with my family in it. This is the serious crazy crap that runs through my head. We considered a tour of the Grand Canyon, but I'm pretty sure someone will stand too close to the edge and there will be an earthquake that erodes that exact section and we fall screaming to our deaths. Yup, full on bat crap crazy over here.
So, each of these scenarios is followed by paralyzing fear, physical symptoms of headaches, chest pain and tightness, shortness of breath, loss of appetite, and a deep desire to sleep and avoid everything and everyone. I talk to myself. Conversations about life, religion, and my irrational fears. I also pick imaginary fights with people. Like the people who drive like diptards. There was a point when I really felt it would be justified to just plow my brand new car into the back of the little dipsmack that cut me off and then beat the living snot out of him. Yeah, not so great over here.
I've done yoga, cleansing breaths, reading scriptures and the Ensign, meditation, making sure I actually make it to church each week, and deep prayer on an almost hourly basis. It's not working. I've changed my diet, but probably need to start limiting the caffeine.
So, in talking to Rob about the physical symptoms this is causing, the emotional distress, I described it as my chest and outsides squeezing me to the point my insides were trying to claw their way out. Yup, feels a bit crazy. So from the back seat of the car, Holden says that maybe my insides are possessed by Satan. We laughed but I'm giving this serious thought. Anxiety, panic, judgmental, sarcasm, snark, and disdain have become frequent feelings. Pride, haughtiness, and intolerance are right there behind it. Add to that the paranoia and suspicion that everyone is against me and holy crap maybe my innards are possessed. I am emotionally and spiritually drained.
Anyway, there's so much more I can go on about but I won't. If I seem a little off/crazy/unfocused it's because I am. Have patience because at least I KNOW there's a problem and I am trying to change it. So I think there's hope in that!
12 years ago
3 comments:
This is pretty much what I've been going through for the last two years. seriously, you described it to a T. I've spent hundreds of dollars at doctors. I've tried herbal pills that worked awesome! they were great but I couldn't get consistent access to them. Totally calmed me down. I've tried the chiropractor who practices kinesiology. that would work for a while, but there was always more just waiting to come out. After one of my most intense anxiety attacks when I thought I was dying, I went to the doctor and got on a PX. I am also going to therapy. intense, intense, daily exercise also helps me. I hate that I can't handle the anxiety on my own. I hate that I have to probably deal with it for the rest of my life. And I hate that I have to dope myself up everyday to be able to function.
You aren't alone. Find a good friend that you can confide in and call when you are having a moment. Have a big bubble bath while your kids are at school. Harry Potter movies were my escape during my worst boughts. Read a good book.
You can always message me and we can compare stories. Hang in there!
Jenny! Just read your comment and read your blog post last week. I've been doing therapy for a few months now, changed prescriptions, and amazingly had my gallbladder removed which seemed to heal some of the symptoms. I'm finding a different relationship with God than I've ever had and it's weird. I will message you for sure! You hang in there too!
Diptards is my new favorite word :-)
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