Rant: the sneaky parenting trap

This is a subject dear to me, in many, many ways and for many reasons. As I have gotten older, and worked through issues with professional help, I have learned a lot about life and development and parenting. So, here goes my rant.

My parents are good people. They had a desire to raise a righteous family, and they did the best they could with what they had. They taught us the standards of our faith, the importance of obedience, a love of God, and the importance of prayer. They are good and righteous parents. I would not have said this 10 years ago. I say this because I was the rebellious child. The free spirit, I kicked against the pricks and tried to break free from the boundaries and restraints my parents imposed. They parented like the majority of parents of the day. Strict, with an expectation of obedience without questions, consequences without understanding, and an attitude of "my roof my rules". The common saying in the house wsa that it was not a democracy but a dictatorship. What mom and dad say goes, no questions asked. This was NORMAL for a lot of my friends and I think quite common 40 years ago. (holy cow am I really almost that old?!?!?!)

Fast forward to today. We have learned a lot in 40 years. Child development studies have shown that the old way of strict control doesn't work! It lends itself to rebellion, poor choices, unprepared young adults, sneakiness, lying, deceit, broken relationships, and heartache. As I parent my own kids and teens, I have been wondering WHY. Why the rebellion and tension in families. Why are some families peaceful and loving and others filled with strife and anger. As I have watched, I noticed a small, tiny, difference. Teaching vs. Controlling.

Holy cow, could it be that simple? I watch my teens friends, and the ones with the more strict and controlling parents, are out doing the worst things! The friends with parents who teach and listen and give limited freedom to make their own choices have much happier, relaxed, and peaceful homes. Not to mention kids who do the right thing because they want to, not because they are forced to. Notice the difference: teaching is done with love and understanding, control is done with coercion and force. Teaching allows for a choice, good or bad; while control dictates the choice. Any classroom teacher will tell you that you CANNOT force a child to learn, you cannot control what they choose to put in their brain. It takes love, understanding, a willingness to work together, did I mention unconditional LOVE? Teachers love their kids, are willing to help a child understand the WHY behind the learning. They are firm, unwilling to bend on what is required, but willing to help a child meet those requirements. (homework comes to mind!) So WHY as parents are we so insistent that we CONTROL our kids. That we FORCE them into doing what is right?

As a member of the LDS church, we believe many things and one is that before we came to Earth, we lived with God and during that time there was a war. In that war, Satan was cast out with his followers. The reason for the war? Satan and Jesus wanted 2 very different things for us. Satan wanted control, we would have no CHOICE in our actions and would be FORCED to do good always. Sounds good right? No one gets left behind. Jesus however loved us and knew us well enough, and trusted us, to allow us our agency to choose. This life would be about learning, and teaching, and making mistakes, and fixing them, and knowing that we are LOVED unconditionally by our Heavenly Father even if we are stupid and make poor choices. So, it seems to me that by choosing Christ, choosing Earth, we chose to be taught, to be understood, to be trusted to make decisions, good or bad, and accept the consequences of those decisions. We chose to feel loved in spite of our failings, chose to make mistakes and learn from them. So isn't it odd that as parents, we would choose to parent as Satan would, with control? Forcing our children to do good unconditionally, not allowing them to learn from little mistakes, and failing to LET them make little mistakes so they can learn the importance of the atonement and forgiveness?

This is the sneaky parenting trap. We go to church and listen to conference and a small seed of fear and doubt is placed within us by Satan that was aren't living up to the parenting standard. Heaven forbid my child make a mistake and isn't perfect! And then that seed of fear is nurtured and grown into panic and control. This leads to clashes between parent and child, rebellion, poor choices by BOTH parent and child, feelings of worthlessness in the child, and disappointment in the parent. Children fall away from the teachings of their parents. "If this is how the church teaches parents to be, I don't want part of it." "There's too many rules, I can't be myself I don't want part of it." "I've made too many mistakes, God doesn't love me, I can't go back." Oh the SNEAKY ways he pits parents against children by convincing us we are doing what's best for our kids!!!

Last part. Christ taught his disciples. He showed love and concern for them. He didn't tell them "hey, believe in me and do what I say or I won't talk to you ever again." He taught them, and taught them, and taught them until they understood. He even forgave those who crucified him because they didn't understand, and he loved them. Why should it be different with our kids? We should teach. And teach and teach and teach and continue teaching until they get it. Teach through love. Teach through compassion. Teach through kindness. Teach with the spirit. Pray always for guidance and have courage to follow the promptings (even if you don't agree!) In our home, we have family meetings. We set the rules together, not just mom and dad. (NOT a dictatorship) We discuss poor choices together, openly. We love and support each other through problems and difficult decisions. We teach the values and principles of the the church and allow them to choose to follow. That is not to say there are no consequences. The consequences are suited to the mistake. The atonement is taught. Discussion and teaching take place. (what happens if you do this as an adult? what happens if....) As a result, I feel we have a good relationship with our teens. They actually talk to us about some pretty uncomfortable subjects, but because they have questions we discuss and we teach. They, so far, don't hate us. They aren't counting the days they can move out, any more than a normal teenager should! And, I sincerely believe the difference is that we TEACH, we don't CONTROL.

This works for us. This is how I understand parenting to be, patterned after the parenting of our heavenly parents. Control is abuse. It is born out of fear, desperation, and doubt. I will say it again, so you understand: exerting absolute CONTROL is ABUSE. Look it up. Seeking to control another person's actions, thoughts, and beliefs is a hallmark trait of ABUSE. Don't do it. Teach instead. Teaching requires LOVE. If you've ever had a bad teacher, you know it's because they didn't love what they were doing and had no care for their students. As parents, we LOVE and CARE for our children! So TEACH! Okay, that's the end of my little rant. I've been thinking of it a lot lately and had to share. :)