First, let me start off with SKYLAR IS A SENIOR!!! AND...he has been accepted to Montana State University and Northern Arizona University! WHAT??? He hasn't even finished the 1st quarter of his senior year?!?!?!? So excited for him! Looking forward to the great things he is going to do with his life!
Ok, now for me.
I've been struggling so hard with religion lately. Not faith. Not spirituality. Just the religion portion as it pertains to the Mormon corridor we live in. I also like to call it the bubble. The Stepford Mo's. Etc. Having been blessed to have lived a portion of my life outside the bubble, and being married to someone who has for lack of better phrasing, rejected religion, I feel I have a unique viewpoint on my faith. So, here it is:
1- There is a HUGE difference between faith and spirituality vs. religion.
2- A person does not have to fully embrace the wackadoodle culture of religion to maintain their spirituality.
3- If you are hating the culture and people of your religion, it's a good idea to find out why and if maybe you are the problem and not them.
So, I've been reading this book called The Gifts of Imperfection by Brene Brown. AMAZING! I read it in 2 days and am now working through each chapter as it applies to my life. When I started this book I was having some serious hate and judgement towards some people in my neighborhood, life, television, church, etc. But as I read, I realized how much I was projecting onto others because I am holding myself to a perfect standard and failing. Yeah, it's crazy. And then, as I read and highlighted and read some more I realized that everything this woman was saying and everything she has researched led to results similar to the teachings of my faith. WHAT??? This woman of science, who speaks of spirituality in generalizations and as something individual and who also discovered the innate needs of us as HUMANS and individuals, reflected many of the things being said to us today from our church leaders.
I am excited about this! This is great! Because now I can show all these judgmental Stepford Mo's how self-righteous and snobbish and wrong they are! And then I realized I am being the judgmental snobbish one. *sigh* So I began practicing the first chapter, which is Courage, Compassion, and Connection. This is so hard! Courage is not about heroic effort, but more about speaking one's mind from the heart. It also means setting boundaries and holding others accountable and not trying to be everyone's best friend. To learn it's okay to tell people no, or they hurt your feelings, or doing the right thing even if it isn't popular, telling someone they crossed the line even if others are offended. This means being open and exposed and possibly judged. This is hard! But, I've been practicing and it feels good! It feels like ME, like the ME I used to be. I feel authentic and not like I'm pretending and adjusting to others perception of me. As I have practiced this, quotes from church leaders have shown up when I need to read them. Coincidence or inspiration, I'll take it.
In addition to Courage, I have to practice compassion. I have tons of compassion for other people. I feel for them. I try to help, empathize, understand, and be open minded to their situation. But, that is all fake if I can't have compassion for myself. I can't have compassion for myself if I expect perfection and continually fail. After the personal failure comes the self criticism and negative self talk. I have this great background picture on my computer. It says: RELAX! You are enough, you have enough, you DO enough! I love it. It reminds me that I am fine the way I am. That as I strive to do well each day, at the end of the day I should congratulate myself for a job well done. I am not perfect. I am not expected to be perfect. And by having compassion and care for myself, it gradually and naturally extends to others in a genuine way. The judgmental and snobbish part of me is mellowing a bit, and beginning to see my church family as beautifully flawed. I am beginning to see my extended family as beautifully flawed, and I am appreciating the efforts of my own family as I practice compassion towards myself. This doesn't mean simply letting everything go and saying, eh, I can try again tomorrow. It is setting expectations, and forgiving myself for not meeting them. It is the small voice that says I can try harder tomorrow, because perfect isn't a real thing. This has reduced my anxiety, my irritability. This has expanded my joy, my contentment, and my peace. (joy is different from happiness. but that's a whole other post.)
The last one is connection. Connection is hard. How do you practice connecting with other? Doing the other two is supposed to bring about connection. But apparently this requires practice too. I suck at this. Yes, that is negative self talk, but this is a truth at this moment in time. Connection requires being open and vulnerable. This is the stuff that makes me squirmy. It is easy for me to be open with my kids. They still think I'm amazing, especially the little ones. It is much harder to be open and connect with adults. I have a very difficult time connecting with Rob. I know, it makes no sense. We've been married for 14 1/2 years. I should be able to be open with him and not worry. But a little part of me can't do it. I don't know if it is from past relationship problems, my inability to be open with my parents, or just my own insecurities because I have had a hard time having compassion and love towards who I really am. When you don't have the courage to be compassionate to yourself, and you hold yourself to impossible standards of perfectionism, it is very easy to think others see you that way and will criticize and judge you. Being open is hard. It really does mean exposing yourself to hurt. But, it can also mean exposing yourself to joy. Another great quote: you can't numb the dark without also numbing the light. This hits me, especially as a teaching of the church, because we are here to experience joy AND pain. Not just happiness, and joy, and peace, and all the good feelings. But we are to experience BOTH. We can't numb, or refuse to feel the pain, without also refusing the feel the joy. In addition to choosing to connect with others, it is important that we make an effort to connect with those who have earned the RIGHT to our story. That is a huge thing. Not everyone will earn it. There are those who won't understand, who won't see the pain in the journey, and who won't care how much courage it took to make the effort. So, I am learning. Blabbing my life story or my hurts or successes to everyone isn't true connection. It's just blabbing. True connection means having the COURAGE to speak my heart, while having COMPASSION with myself and others, so I can CONNECT with others as my authentic self.
Phew! It is a lot to process. I have been processing this one chapter for almost 3 weeks. During those 3 weeks I have come to see my religion in a different way. People are imperfect. Their behavior is not necessarily who they really are. When you have a perfect doctrine being taught/lived/perpetuated by imperfect people, you are going to get a LOT of wackadoodle culture out of it. Here is the quote that spoke to me as I have been finishing this chapter:
"He is not waiting to love you until after you have overcome your weaknesses and bad habits. He loves you today with a full understanding of your struggles." -Pres. Dieter F. Uchtdorf
Meaning for me: have the courage to be compassionate towards myself for my imperfections, because God already loves me imperfect as I am.
12 years ago
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