Insomnia sucks

Sitting here, can't sleep so I figured I'd write about what's going through my head and then journal it later.

I'm having some LARGE irritability, and frankly bitchy, moments. My Dr. said I'd have days like this (post surgery bipolar mess) but I didn't think they'd be so mean. My days start being unable to wake up, moving into being irrationally angry at people and having confrontations, sinking to a crying mess because I hurt someones feelings, then getting snarky and refusing to apologize because they deserved it, then back to not wanting to see anyone and locking myself in my room. Moving on to a feeling of normalcy, the quiet of bedtime, then the insomnia from hell. The insomnia isn't normal inability to sleep. It is a constant flow of what if situations wandering through my thoughts. After which those thoughts become anxiety, which becomes aggitation, which leads to getting up and doing something (like refilling the water softener. Good thing I'm afraid of the dark or I'd probably go shopping at Wally-mart). Getting up leads to a cementing of the irrational thoughts that skip though my mind, and then I have to spend a few minutes (hours) Googling the problem to see if it is worth the anxiety. At some point, with or without a solution, sleep comes and shortly after the whole house wakes up.

This is standard most of the week. I was trying to explain to Rob what the mania is like, which is then mixed with the depression, which snaps back like a rubber band to mania again after a short trip through normalcy. The best way to explain it, was being on drugs. Imagine being on a strong painkiller, a super energy drink, or maybe pot and speed. Ingest some of that. The jitters, the loopy, the racing heart and mind, the creativity without care, and the irritability combined with action. Now, be that way at a convention of Law Enforcement for a full day and act NORMAL. No one can know. You take stolen moments to shed tears in the bathroom, maybe volunteer to experience mace, try to participate in conversations while reigning in the passion for the subject. This is the hell that happens EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. And then that one guy says something so ignorant (but it really isn't) that you just can't let it slide. So you release the Kraken so to speak and are met with stunned and awkward silence. Cue to leave. And now they ALL know, not that you are bipolar and medicated and it's not quite working, but they know you are that crazy person to be watched because you obviously have issues.

When this happens in a friend group, it can be devastating. Those cute mommies tend to jump ship and run. The only moms who stay are the ones who understand, those who want to "fix" you because they just know you can be happy. But the best friends are those who stay because they know. They know the toll of mental illness. They know the realities of the chemical changes, that it cannot be controlled. And they are just there and accept when you fall off the earth to hibernate, and accept when you want to drive all over the world to see everything and do everything and everything is just the best there ever will be. And are awesome to hang out with when I finally land in reality. (shout out to BB!)

Family situations get stickier. They remember you before diagnosis. They remember you before medication. They remember EVERY hurt you inflicted, every trouble you got them in, and every crazy stunt ever pulled. And then the diagnosis and medications come. And they don't believe it. It's easier to believe the real you was a long time ago instead of the functioning adult before them. Then the acceptance of the disorder comes, but not the understanding. So, you are held at arms length, your family is treated as tainted, and every family event is carefully choreographed for fear of a dramatic scene. Invitations are forced, and guiltily accepted. Family is much harder than friends. It is hard to describe how you feel to family. I tried to tell my parents and I realized it was hurting them so I stopped. Family doesn't want to know. Once again it is hiding the inside in a room full of normal.

I'm constantly chasing happy. I want that feeling of contentment, happiness, peace. Though I'm LDS I want to find my inner zen. My center. My balance. The calm that eases the storm. It is difficult. Anyway, more rantings of my challenges. Thanks for reading!

PS- Things I don't discuss here: Kids' school, teachers, common core, PFA and its challenges. Even though a lot of this adds to my anxiety! LOL!