The week that never ends

This week Rob has had the opportunity to go to "work" in the red rocks of Moab until Sunday! A whole week! I don't begrudge him this "work", climbing rocks in his UTV, spending time with his best friend AND his dad, and having to push himself to be social and represent their product. I am jealous of the views! The outdoors! The warmth and the sunshine! But, most of all I LOVE him for working hard to support our family and promote the business. It is necessary and he does it for his family.

That being said, at the beginning of the week, I was doing so awesome on my new lifestyle changes! Bedtime @ 10..check! Sleepy tea..check! Little to no caffeine..check! Unprocessed foods..half check! Play in the sun with the dog...check! Restful sleep..check! I was totally on this! Until Wednesday. It kinda started to fall apart. Food binge because Rob is gone..check. (cuz who couldn't eat a whole box of Lofthouse cookies alone without judgement? with donuts. and nutty bars. and pepsi.) I forgot the tea, but I was still tired so I still slept. Then the headaches, medicated with caffeine again. Sigh. I told Rob to hurry home because he is my rock. My cheerleader, my "sponsor". I need reminded of the WHY when I'm feeling fine.

I love listening to my kids' stories. I love when their friends stay for dinner and see how truly kooky we are. I love that their friends love our kookyness. I love that my youngest girl has a boy, and they hold hands when no one is looking. I remember those days! She's adorable. I love that my youngest boy is ALL boy. He's into tools, and building things, and video games, and being a boy at school. Which gets him in trouble! But, he's all boy! I love that my oldest girl has plans for her future and is following them. She is determined, and stubborn, and set on her path. She speaks her mind, and stands for what is right. She is brave and unafraid, but also tender and sweet and completely in love. I admire her ability to be herself and not care what people think of her. And then my sweet, sweet oldest. He is growing into a spectacular young man. So ready to leave, but scared to actually go. He's forcing himself out into the world, out of his comfort zone, and finding that he is well liked for who he is. That standing for truth makes him strong though others would call him weak. He is amazingly smart, gifted in math and how the universe works. We are so very proud of him and excited to see what he chooses to do as he graduates and moves into adulthood.

I say all these things to remind myself that I am NOT a failure! I have great kids. They are turning out well. Sometimes they are turds, but hopefully not for too long. I struggle with church. We don't fit the mold. Our family isn't the "perfect" LDS family. My kids question, because they want their own testimony. I struggle, because I know it's not a social club, but I so often feel left out of the loop, like I really don't belong. Everyone has their own little group. I often leave sacrament meeting in tears, so I don't want to go. I often feel like a failure with the lessons given in Relief Society. It is strange to me, that listening to conference and reading the messages from the general authorities have a calming, uplifting message. One of love and hope. And then those lessons come to church and are skewed to the point where I'm now failing in everything and shouldn't even be there. We have lived here almost 8 years, and I have 1 close friend in the ward. I didn't get her until the wards split! I barely know my neighbors, probably my fault for not making more of an effort, but it could go both ways. I'm not complaining. Just trying to figure out why church makes me feel bad about myself and my family Every. Single. Week.

So, lastly, I'm feeling the tug. The tug to make a plan, to pray, and to follow God's lead. We need to move. Just a few more changes to this house, and we can go. We can get off the busy street, have more space, and possibly build the last house we will live in. The kids will be off in a few short years (7 to be exact and they will ALL be gone). And I can finally have nice things! No ripped furniture, sharpie on walls, multi-colored carpets, and holes in walls. I am looking forward to displaying my Fiestaware, Rob's heirloom china, having decent seating, and an area to show my piano the way it was meant to! A large kitchen for holiday dinners and gathering, and maybe a space to sit outside and enjoy the evening. I feel the tug, and it's getting stronger. It's almost time to go. So, for now I trust in God's timing. Every time we have needed to move, everything falls into place just so and it becomes easy. So, the for sale sign is coming, I don't know when, but I do know it's coming. The tug is there. :)